Time's up

I haven't been in the mood to make a blog post for the past ten days. Depression had taken over again. It's about time to make up for my lack of progress. The lamotrigine and aripiprazole are working to some extent, yet I continue to flow back into a depressed state again and again. I just wish that I could clearly elaborate on the feelings that this disease brings me.
Depression is the main characteristic in my case. I tend to be seriously depressed much more often than I am manic or hypomanic. I really think that I need an antidepressant added to my medical regimen, despite the risk of mania. Just can't stand being like this anymore. It is so very frustrating, and causes me a great deal of anxiety. So much so that I'm having a difficult time articulating it.
So much for the medical condition. For those of you following the "life on the farm", the goats are doing just fine, though they seem to think the grass is greener on the other side of the road, literally. This tends to make motorists a little nervous. The number of car/deer accidents in this neck of the woods is high enough without having to worry about these "horny" little buggers crossing in front of the vehicle. I still have to put up the electric fence, though I've never done it before and don't have any resource on the correct way to do it. I'm going to give it an attempt during this week and hope for the best. I don't have an outdoor power source, so the wiring should be very interesting. I am definitely not electrically gifted. No experience doing wiring at all.
The chickens are still clucking around with the rooster and don't really cause any problems. We've been collecting about two eggs per day from the four hens remaining.
The dogs, on the other hand, are a real pain in the neck. We recently "adopted" another unwanted young border collie, so the inconvenience has increased slightly. We're hoping that the newly moved owners will take it back soon, but with our luck it will become a part of the "famiily".
The rabbits haven't yet found any mates, so their numbers have yet to increase. The goats are multiplying faster, which strikes me as odd.
Now on to some family updates. My wife is working hard as usual, with variable shifts until school begins at the end of August. Then she will resume her staff position, part-time, as well as continuing to work as a waitress. My son is possibly headed to a local college for a degree in sports management, and has recently turned eighteen. He's registered with the selective service, and is headed into the "real" world (or so they say). My daughter will be a senior this year, and is already providing us with the challenges of raising a teenage girl. I won't go into any other details, but the rewards outweigh the problems.
I think that is it for now. I'll try to make more blog entries, circumstances permitting...Brisco

Not Much

Life has been fairly boring lately, so not much news to report. We did sell two female goats and make a two for one trade on another male. We'll get a different bloodline introduced this fall.
I've been kinda down for the last four days and am hoping that it will pass soon. Still taking the medication faithfully and hoping for the best. Wish there was more to talk about...Brisco

I've had a "Blogmare"

There I was two nights ago modifying the template of my blog when I mistakenly deleted one character and "Poof", my blog disappeared from the web. I was extremely ticked off and frustrated beyond belief after six hours of trying to fix my mistake. I finally just gave up and went to bed and haven't been able to sleep for anything since. Suddenly, last night, it came to me as if in a vision, the one character that I may have either deleted or changed. Today, about three hours ago, I made the change and "presto" I'm back like a bad cold. It sure is a relief that I was able to recover the seven months of entries that I've made. If you've read my blog before, you'll notice some changes (I hope for the better). Anyway I don't think I'll be rewriting the code for awhile. I've added some of my favorite links to the page in the right hand sidebar. Please take the time to read these excellent blogs, too.

It's hotter than Haiti here today, must be in the 90's with very high humidity, but I'll be going fishing when I'm done making this entry. With any luck I'll be able to come home with some fish worth eating. Some walleye or lake trout would be great. I find that they are the best tasting when cooked, skin, scales and all on the barbecue. Just stuff them with onions and seasoning, wrap in aluminum foil, place over hot coals for about twenty to thirty minutes, depending on the size and your taste....mmm, mmm, good!

I may have a buyer for one of the male goats and two of the females...wants them for milking and making fedda cheese. Hope the sale goes through. It would ease the workload a little bit by decreasing the herd size.

Our rottweiller attacked and nearly killed the turkey last night. The turkey made the mistake of trying to eat the dogs food...not a good idea as I'm sure it learned now.

I've been a little down for the last three or four days with yesterday being the worst. I feel as though I'm on the rebound now. I keep forgetting to take the mid-day dose of lamotrigine. I think I'll have to just take one and a half doses in the morning and evening. It shouldn't cause any problems and I'll be much more likely not to miss a dose. The aripiprazole seems to have plateaud, but I'm definitely feeling better than before.

Well, its fishing time...gotta go, Brisco

Modification Time

I've been working on modifying this blog for the last four frustrating hours and this is the best I could do....sad, isn't it? My rear is so sore that I can't stand it anymore. My mind is muddled and fried...can't even think straight anymore...as happens with sleepless nights. I'm a little pissed about the whole situation...I guess I'll have to give it another shot in the next couple of days. Its been a VERY long night...time to get my children up for their jobs and it looks like time won't be flying anywhere today.
Here's some animal news...we've got a bobcat or cougar roaming around our farm looking for some easy dinner...I'm not even sure the rottweiller is safe if its a cougar. Its unusual for the wild cats to come so close to human environments, but the chicken must smell pretty good...or maybe it prefers goat or rabbit ala carte.
Here's a good one...I've applied for admission to a local university...with the intent of getting a degree in psychology! I'm not sure whether or not I can swing it either financially or mentally...it would definitely provide some interesting challenges. I wonder how much experience counts.
I don't really have any plans for this weekend other than fishing. Ate a nice walleye last night...barbecued it over charcoal. I only wish that I had caught it, but that distinction went to a seven year old boy using his seven dollar fishing pole and a nightcrawler. He didn't want the fish so his dad gave it to me. All I could catch that night was catfish, small perch and a few rock bass. None of which were of any size to eat. And so it goes, another amazing day.
I'll be signing off for now...maybe even try to take a nap...later, Brisco

Happy Holidays

Here it is the fourth of July already. This summer sure is flying by. Its a beautiful sunny, warm, breezy day in the Upper Peninsula.
It seems that my medication is working fairly well. I still hear some voices, with an occassional command but my mood is beginning to stabilize. I'm actually having some fairly good days. I'm definitely sleeping better now that I've had xanax added to my medical regimen. I won't have to go back to my psychiatrist until August unless I'm having difficulties.
I've been doing some fishing and find it to be relaxing. It takes my mind to another place for awhile...that's a good thing.
Today I'm taking care of some mundane though necessary tasks, like laundry, dishes and cleaning the bathrooms (yuck). I'll be cooking burgers and hot dogs over charcoal for dinner this evening. I just love the way they taste when barbecued. I may have a "Mikes hard lemonade" with dinner. Its a real tasty thirst quencher similar to a wine cooler in alcohol content...delicious.
The "zoo" is going pretty well, with the goats, chickens, rabbits, dogs and cats all enjoying the balmy weather. The goats are a little bit of a problem...they like to cross the road to eat the grass on the other side...nearly been hit a couple of times. They behave very similarly to whitetail deer in that they tend to follow one another during road crossings. You may think you've missed them with your vehicle but there are another two or three right behind the leader.
My wife has been working very hard as usual, waitressing and being a good mother and a pretty understanding wife. I really respect her, though she seems to have inherited some stubborness just like I did. We've reached a point in our marriage where we can basically agree to disagree on most of our differences. We are both pretty independent people.
My daughter is enjoying her new job. She is stressed about having to testify in a local criminal sexual conduct case involving one of her friends. Its a pretty sad commentary that a man nearly fifty years old would take advantage of a girl in her early teens. I don't have any personal knowledge of the circumstances so I'll reserve my judgement until he is found either innocent or guilty.
My son is excited about starting his new job tomorrow. He'll be a "maintenance engineer" at a local medical care facility, painting, cleaning and yard work mostly. He loves to be outside and is really looking forward to it even though his work day will begin at seven in the morning.
I applied for Veterans Disability benefits thirteen months ago, and have talked to the case manager several times over the last few weeks. It seems they are getting closer to making a decision, though the last unit I was assigned to lost both my service and medical records for the time I spent in the reserves after my period of active duty. I'm really hoping that it doesn't take to much longer for a decision.
I guess that's about all the news for now so I'll be talking to you later...Brisco

Sleepy Time

Though I am sleeping more soundly with the xanax than without I am only sleeping for five or six hours and find myself awakening before the rest of the family, which isn't all bad. I'd rather get by on less sleep than feel as depressed as in the past. If I get too tired during the day I'll take a nap for a little while.
On to another subject. I find it amazing how life's plan seems to include adding additional expenses just when I start feeling a little more comfortable financially. When I am finally able to see a light at the end of the tunnel a car breaks down, a tax bill arrives, insurance rates increase, property taxes are due, the furnace quits working or some other crisis comes along. I'm getting so used to it that I've come to expect it.
Now back to the kitten situation. She had seven, SEVEN! That puts our cat population up to fifteen! Sure hope we can give away a bunch of them. They're such cute little buggers.
I heard from an aquaintence from my stay at the VA hospital last night. He's doing slightly better, his medication hasn't tartrated to the point of effectiveness yet. I gave him some encouragement and told him to keep in touch and to call or e-mail me anytime. I know how important it is to have someone to talk to when the bipolar pendulum swings both high and low.
Until next time...Brisco

"Shrink" Wrap

Yes, you guessed it, I visited my "shrink" yesterday for about 25 minutes. He went over my medications with me, increased my lamotrigine, and added xanax to the mix. The xanax should help me with sleeping and my anxiety. Its a four hour round-trip but its worth it if my condition continues to improve, slowly though it may be.
I've done a little more fishing lately and continue to catch fish so small they are impossible to eat so I continue to do "catch and release". I'm hoping to get some walleye or pike this weekend at a different fishing hole. My daughter's boyfriend says he knows several and will show them to me as well as join me in the "festivities". I'm looking forward to it. Feels strange to look forward to something...its been awhile...like years. The fishing takes my mind off of other things for a little while and is generally relaxing, though my paranoia continues. The voices and the paranoia have both decreased with the new medications but are still bothersome. With any luck they will continue to decrease. Also, I am still depressed, yet nowhere nearly as I was...this is good.
As I'm typing this, my six toed cat "Bigfoot" is having her litter of kittens....on the couch! She's given birth to five so far. They range in color from grey to black & white. That makes the cat count in the house thirteen! Five newborns, five that are three weeks old, and the three adult cats. Between the cats and the goats our animal population is almost increasing faster than we can handle. I am giving away the three adult male goats, selling the two babies, and keeping the two adult females, giving away as many kittens as possible, and putting the remainder at the farm as "barn cats". Anybody want a free goat or kitten? Just kidding.
Its about time to "wrap" it up for now, so I'll be signing off, talk to you later. Brisco

Damp Camp

We headed out to the local state park yesterday for a relaxing barbecue and a little time together. Had the chicken breasts, baked beans and corn on the cob on the grill, cooking to perfection...or so we thought. We had been there for about 45 minutes before the sky turned a dark shade of gray. Within minutes the wind had picked up considerably with gusts of more than 50 miles per hour. Shortly after that, the rains came...I mean the rains came in buckets! Soon, the tree limbs were falling, the table cloth and everything but the cooler was blown onto the ground, my hat flew off my head onto the sand and we ran for cover...unfortunately not before getting totally soaked. After about 30 minutes of the downpour, the rain subsided and the wind reduced to a gentle breeze. We ventured forth to the campsite to find the chicken breasts swimming in a pool of fresh rainwater. the coals were still hot thanks to the aluminum foil on the top of the grill, but half of them were extinguished. I piled some more charcoal onto the smoldering pile, poked some holes into the aluminum foil and watched the water drip onto the charcoal, sending plumes of steam toward the sky. Another 30 minutes or so and we were eating the delicious bounty of the barbecue. That's all for now...Brisco

A lost buddy

On June 20th my wife and I went up to the farm to care for our family of animals...the goats, chickens, rabbits, turkey and dogs. We found Cassie, our 13 year old rottweiller, a very gentle, kind, and friendly buddy, dead under the apple trees. She was laying down as if sleeping and appeared to have gone peacefully. Cassie is now buried near the apple trees in a marked grave. A friend of ours was kind enough to make the grave marker, and another friend was kind enough to dig the grave with his backhoe. She was active and more healthy looking on the day of her death than usual. I think she was happy with the way we treated her after adopting her from an abusive home. She knew she was loved. We all will remember and miss her.

Fishin' Along

I've purchased my fishing licence and am catching rock bass, catfish, walleye and perch. I "catch & release" unless its a really big one...good for eating.
My Mom & Dad were with us for the weekend and we kept them pretty busy...seemed to enjoy themselves. As I've said before, this was the first time in two years that my Wife and kids have seen them. They all had to work over the weekend but still found plenty of time for family activities.
I'll keep this entry short...have pork chops cooking, and I'm pretty tired. Later, Brisco

Good Job

I finally have some good news....both of my children got jobs today...start tomorrow. That should ease the financial pinch we've been experiencing. They both say they will help with the household expenses.
No new births of animals to report today, though I haven't been up to the farm yet. Just "kid"ding. Get it? Baby goats...
The weather is beautiful today, bright sunshine, a nice breeze and temperatures in the high 60's. Time for a little fishing tonight. Hope I get ahold of that nice walleye that got away from me last week. It was a big one...took a lure and straightened the hook right out as it struck the line. That's the first time that ever happened to me. Must've been a real whopper.
My son finally got his driver's license today. Now, of course, he's all excited about being able to drive his girlfriend around. I'm sure he'll be enjoying his freedom. He'll be living with us while he attends college and will still have to abide by my rules, but I'll cut him some slack as long as he lets me know where he is. I can't stand waiting for my children to come home at night, especially when they don't call to tell me where they're at and that they are safe. I don't think that's being paranoid, just fatherly concern.
Well, there's not much news around here today, so I'll be going for now. If something exciting happens I'll be sure to make another blog entry. "Talk" to you later. Brisco

Yo-Yo time

Just like a yo-yo my moods have been cycling rapidly over the past week. After the last blog entry I went into the depths of depression for two days. Yesterday started out that way, but slowly improved. Today is a little better. Those of you with bipolar illness know what rapid cycling is, and that it is not a pleasant experience.
Now back to the farm...Lucy, our oldest female goat, had another 2 kids the day before yesterday. One male, and one female. They are the cutest little buggers. One is black with white markings, the other is tan with a white "crown" on top of its head. The goat population is up to 7 now. Time to sell some of them. The males are difficult to sell; the females on the other hand are easy to sell. They're good for milk, and reproduction plus they're more moderately tempered and make good pets. The males tend to be a little stubborn, territorial, and smell something fierce when the females are in heat.
The chickens are doing pretty well and laying eggs every day. Made some deviled ones last night. The eggs are huge! I've never seen chicken eggs as large available commercially. We get white ones, brown ones and, believe it or not, blue or green eggs (from the breed Aracana). Good eating!
One of my daughter's cats had 5 kittens a few days ago. My wife was asleep on the recliner and awoke to find 3 newborns on her belly! Pretty weird. Her other cat is pregnant now as well. I don't know exactly what it is, but the animals around here sure are having a good time. I guess the eggs aren't the only things getting laid.
My parents will be here on Friday, just in time for the local "Bridgefest" weekend celebration, complete with parade, fireworks, dancing, and live music from country to rock-n-roll. They were lucky enough to get a room in town. Hopefully all the activity doesn't bother them. My step-father has emphysema and requires oxygen at night, and nebulizer during the day. He's in good shape otherwise. My mom is pretty healthy at 69 years of age, unlike her sisters who have serious heart disease and arteriole sclerosis. I hope the heart disease passes my children and I by.
We'll be renting a cabin at the local State Park on Thursday evening and plan to have a nice family gathering, though the way my daughter and wife are getting along right now may prove to be quite a challenge. I'll be updating this blog over the weekend as time permits. Until then...Brisco

Testy, Testy

Yeah, its finally time for my son to take his ACT test in the morning, so its going to be another sleepless night for Dad. I'm always anxious whenever I or a family member have an important event coming up. Crazy, I know, but that's just the way my mind operates. Can't do much about it, so might as well make the best of it. Just thought I'd blog for awhile.
Today was a good day. The weather was great until around 5:30, then the thunderstorm hit. It wasn't that bad either. My mood has elevated since yesterday and it feels good. Maybe the lamotrigine is starting to work. I've been on it for a little over a month now, so its time for the med to do its thing.
Last night wasn't really very pleasant. My daughter and her boyfriend had a knock-down, drag-out argument that could have awakened the dead. I think that this time they may be done for good. He's about 3 years older than she is, and they have very different backgrounds. He was raised as an Apostolic Lutheran, a very strict religious sect followed closely by his father in particular. No televisions, dancing, going to the prom, or extracurriclar school activities. Definitely no work of any kind on Sundays. He's very judgemental, and close-minded. They don't have much in common. Even though he was raised in the strict religious environment, I find him to be lacking morally. He has twisted ideations of right and wrong, and has lost my respect in many ways. He follows my daughter everywhere, is always checking up on her, and thinks he's making points with my wife and I by telling us everything she does.This, of course, happens more frequently when they have been arguing. He also tends to embelish his stories and has lied to us more than once. Though I've told lies before, when it comes to my family and their lives, I resent it when someone lies to me about them. His behavior toward my daughter is almost to the point of stalking. I've considered getting a TRO judgement against him on more than one occasion. Well, enough of the ranting on that subject.
My son is starting to get excited about college in the fall, but admits that he's a little scared now that he's graduated high school. Not only is he taking the ACT tomorrow, he's also finally taking his driver's test on Wednesday. He could have had his license for almost 2 years already, but wasn't that interested until he got a nice girlfriend. He's also looking for a decent job and will need it to drive to and from work. As far as college goes, he'll be staying with us for at least the first 2 years....we live only 2 blocks from the school, which is extremely convenient for him as well as us. He will get to live with us, basically expense free and we will save money because we won't have to pay the high cost of room & board at school. He wants to major in Sports Management. He's an avid basketball player with a true love of the game, and would like to play on the college team, then coach or work for a university or professional sports organization. I'm sure he'll do well considering he'll be working in a field that he really enjoys. If I only knew then what I know now, perhaps I would have done the same. Oh well...life goes on.
I guess its about time to wrap this up until I think of something to add...later, Brisco

VA Time

Well, I went to the VA doctor yesterday and he increased my aripiprazole prescription, so hopefully it will start working better soon. Still depressed, but better than I have been lately. I think the lamotrigine is starting to modify my mood...that's a good thing. Living with the depth of depression I have been for the past few months has been really hard, but I can at least see light at the end of the tunnel now.
As far as the family situation goes, we are circling the financial drain, but what else is new? With two children at home we're doing as well as can be expected. Its going to be a tight situation during the summer due to my wife having the summer off from her school job. She'll be picking up a few extra shifts at the restaurant, and should make just about as much as during the school year, depending on the generosity of the clientele. She's a great waitress, with an unbelievable memory. She can remember what 8 people are eating and drinking, including special orders, without a thought. She's very professional and attentive with each customer and generally does well in the tip department.
There's nothing really new, except that I'll be seeing my parents next weekend for the first time in a year. My family hasn't seen them in almost 2 years. We're really looking forward to their visit. I love them very much and they have always been there for me, through thick and thin, sickness and health. They have no idea how important they have been in my life, even though I've told them many times as best I can.
I received a nice e-mail from AriK yesterday, providing me with some support and encouragement. It really is a good thing to hear from someone I've never met, letting me know that my blog is being read, and that I have support out there. Thanks Ari.
I suppose I'd better be going...don't want to bore you to tears. Later,........Brisco

Time for a trip

Its time to take a trip to the VA hospital for an appointment with my new "shrink". I hope he's a decent fellow. Its really hard to talk to new MD's or anyone else about my illness. If I don't know them, I can't communicate effectively or comfortably. I get very anxious prior to the first appointment, and grow gradually more open as time goes on, provided they're receptive and non-confrontational. I'm going to keep this posting brief, so I'll sign off for now...Brisco

It's over

The graduation party went well, although I spent the majority of the time isolated from all the people there. It got pretty crowded and I don't feel very comfortable in crowds. My son seemed happy with everything and is really tired today. We're all a little worn out after the stresses of the past weekend. I'm feeling down today, though the sun is shining and the temperature is about 75. Hopefully, I'll feel a little bit better tomorrow and will get some sun. This is one of the few nice days we've had so far, but the weather's supposed to be great for the next 3 days or so. I'd like to take my family to the beach, but our schedules all conflict, so it doesn't look like we'll all be able to make it at the same time. We should really go camping.
Not much news around here...what else is new? The trees finally have their leaves and some of the wild flowers are beginning to bloom, so I guess it's not all bad. The depression really robs me of the good things in life. It makes me blind to them most of the time, but hopefully I'll start to enjoy them more and more assuming the new medication works as predicted. As you can tell, even though I feel down, I am starting to realize some of the beauty outside. That's a vast improvement over how I've been feeling for months. I hope to continue the rise in mood....still a long way to go, but I'm starting to see light at the end of the dark tunnel.
I suppose it's time to go for now...later, Brisco

Party Time

Well, our son's graduation party is in about 2 hours and we're really excited, yet glad it will be over soon. We're so proud of him. The last 18 years have flown by in retrospect. He's already outgrown me by about 3 inches...must get his height from my side of the family. I'm one of the shortest at 5'11''. I used to be 6 feet tall, but am shrinking with my back compressions and injuries I guess. My wife worked really hard getting the party ready. Made a couple of deserts, deviled eggs, chicken wings, tuna salad, meatballs,etc., even though we are having the food catered. She wants back ups just in case we run low. Well we've got to get going and finish the decorations....Later, Brisco

Graduation Time

My son is graduating from High School tomorrow, and I can't believe it! The last eighteen years are gone already. My daughter will be graduating next year too. Oh my God! I'm starting to feel kind of old. Pretty soon we'll be having grandchildren. Hopefully, not too soon!
As for my feelings, I'm pretty excited for him, yet I'm still depressed. I'm hoping for improvement soon. I'll just have to have faith in my MD's and the medication they have me on. Hopefully its the right combination now. Well, I've got to go to a couple of graduation parties today and tomorrow. My son's is on Monday afternoon. We'll be keeping busy for the next couple of days I guess. Well, I'll sign off for now.....Brisco

How I spent my summer "vacation"

Well, I was so suicidal that I told my Veteran's Administration Doctor about it. She wouldn't even let me go outside to have a cigarette without a nurse escort. Before I knew it, I was on my way to the VA hospital in Milwaukee. It took about 7 hours to get there, but turned out to be worth it. The MD was very good, and prescribed 2 new medications for me. Aripiprazole for the voices, and lamotrigine as a mood stabilizer. The first medication is working already, as the command voices have diminished, and the rest sounds mumbled. I'm still paranoid about being watched all of the time, but hopefully this too shall pass, or at least become bearable.The second medication will take between one and two months to really start working. I'm still depressed, but not suicidal. One thing that really struck me during my stay in Milwaukee is the number of homeless veterans. There's a lot more than I thought. Some of them are the nicest guys it has been my pleasure to meet. I'm keeping in touch with a couple of them.
As for the treatment, there were a lot of "groups" as well as a daily meeting with my MD. She was extremely polite, professional, and caring. I really needed her help and she provided it. I had heard bad things about the VA hospitals, but they proved to be rumors. The food, especially breakfast, wasn't the greatest, but I was given three square meals and a snack nearly every day. I spent the first 36 hours on suicide prevention watch, so I wasn't able to smoke or chew tobacco. After that I was given limited off ward priveledges for two days and then unrestricted for the remainder of my time. The first day I was there I was a little disoriented and "out of it", but after resting and receiving the aripiprazole for a few days, I slowly recovered some sense of feeling a little better. The suicidal thoughts decreased and then disappeared, though I remembered having the gun to my head with my finger on the trigger. It was a very dark place to be. I ended up calling my mother to say goodbye and she talked me out of pulling the trigger, told me to take a couple of valium and try to get some rest, then see the MD. Thank God she answered the phone! She has always been supportive and caring. This time she literally saved my life, and I owe her. I've been out of the hospital for nearly three days and am feeling a little bit better, so I should be able to attend my son's High School graduation on Sunday. I'm so proud of him and of my daughter. She'll be graduating next year. Hoping for the best...Brisco

Nervous

I slept for only about 2 hours last night. Couldn't stop thinking about my Dr.'s appointment today. I always get stressed out before those things. I've got to write down a list of the things that I have questions about, or things that are bothering me before I go or I'll forget something. I'm not real comfortable about seeing a new doctor either, but I'll have to make the best of it. I'll post the details later. . . Brisco

More of the same

I've only got two more days to wait until I can see my doctor....that's good news. I've got to get the medication situation straightened out as soon as possible. I did a little internet research on Cymbalta and have found mixed messages about its effectiveness and some pretty scary side-effects. I'm going to talk to the doc and see what he thinks. I know I'll have to switch anti-depressants or increase the dosage of the one I'm on now. This depression is really getting to be too much. It affects my life in so many ways. I don't enjoy anything anymore, can't communicate with others very well, have very little if any energy or ambition, hopelessness, suicidal thoughts are running rampant, the schizophrenia has worsened as well, though the risperdal is helping control the occassional voices and the paranoid "delusions" I've been experiencing. It seems to slow down my thought process to some extent, though I still know that I am being watched, and I wish they would just leave me alone. The suicidal episode I described a couple of posts ago really scared me. I was so close to doing it that if anyone or anything negative happened, I'm certain I would not be here to write this blog. Maybe I was lucky to be alone at the time, though talking with my mother on the telephone brought me back to "reality" a little bit....just enough to make me think a little differently and take a step back from the brink. I hope I'm not being redundant...I know I've mentioned that before, but today I'm just writing down the thoughts as they come to me. I am praying that the doctor can help me somehow. I'm still very depressed, with suicidal thoughts, but not as often as the last few days. I am feeling a little bit better in fact. Hopefully these "dark days" will pass soon. When I'm as depressed as I've been lately, I know that I'm not thinking straight, but feel helpless to fix the problem. I need to find something that I can enjoy again, something that will occupy both my mind and my time, I just don't have any idea what that something could or should be. Well here I go again on a self-pity trip....sorry about that, its just necessary for me to vent. I'm sure this isn't very interesting reading for anyone, but in the future it should get better as life and new medications move on. I know its not very entertaining reading about something so depressing. Vent on////Brisco

Future Progress?

Just made an appointment with my MD with the goal of resolving my medication issues. I just don't think that I should be cycling as deeply and frequently as I have been lately. I'm going to ask him about Cymbalta as an antidepressent, and try to get switched from valium to ativan or xanax again. I've got to talk to him about my recent suicidal thoughts and let him know how serious the problem is. I'm afraid that I may get hospitalized again, but that's a risk I'll have to take. The risperdal helped bring me back from the brink during my suicidal crisis, so I've got to let him know that as well. I may need an increase in the dosage...we'll see. I may have to get a referral to the VA hospital for some psychotherapy too. It's one and a half hours away though, so I'm not really fired up about that possibility. My family support system is falling apart, with my mother and step-father being the strongest supporters in the group. They live 500 miles away, but thank God for telephones. My daughter has been mildly supportive, my son doesn't really talk to me about it, and my step-son and wife are not supportive at all, as far as my mental health issues are concerned. I told my wife that I was going through a crisis, felt like commiting suicide, and should probably be hospitalized. She told me to build a pen for the goats, and two days later was back to calling me useless, lazy and good for nothing. Not exactly premium....She apparently doesn't realize how much her words hurt me, or she just doesn't care. One thing that I'm certain of is that she doesn't understand my illness, and is making no effort to try to understand it. I'm not trying to whine about it, I'm just stating the facts as I see them. I'm not sure if anyone is reading my blog anymore, haven't had any comments lately, but I'll keep making my entries because it helps me vent my feelings and frustrations. I may try to go out tonight for some forced socialization, though I'll probably sit alone and not talk to anyone very much, at least I'll be around people. I'm trying to make myself more comfortable in social situations. Well, I don't want to drag this out for too long, so I'll sign off for now....Brisco

Return from the abyss

Three days ago the pendulum swung to the lowest point. I was so close to suicide, had the means, opportunity and motive. Just didn't do it, though the voices in my head were screaming at me to get it over with. Took a handful of meds and a long nap, and awoke still depressed but a step back from the brink. The thoughts of my children helped sway me from the ultimate solution. Suicide would be the easy way out for me. No more battling the horrific mood swings, feelings of uselessness, hopelessness, anxiety and anger. That could all stop with one quick, irrational action. Still having suicidal thoughts, but not to the point of taking action on them yet. I'm increasing my anti-depressant dosage and hoping for the best. I've got to get to the witch-doctor soon and talk about switching medications. The current ones just aren't working well at all. The mood swings are getting worse than "normal" and lingering in the deep depression stage for longer periods. The valium isn't working well for the anxiety either, it's time for a change there too. I should probably get back into therapy, but I just don't know any therapist that I can trust. I guess it comes down the the fact that I can't share my real feelings with someone that I don't know. They're all condescending pricks as far as I'm concerned. Trust is a terrible thing to waste, and is in very short supply right now. The feeling that I am constantly under surveillance is driving me over the edge, too. I know they're out there watching every move I make, waiting for their opportunity to get me. I'm not even safe in my own house. The only sanctuary I have is my living room and bedroom. I hate leaving the house anymore. Social situations are almost always very uncomfortable. I'll have to do some socializing at my son's graduation party, though I'm sure I'll spend most of my time isolated as much as possible from others. I'll probably do some self medication that day, too. These feelings make me long for the mania. When manic, I have little fear of others, though I'm constantly aware of them watching and recording my movements, actions, and thoughts. Just ranting and raving again...more therapeutic venting. Signing off for now...Brisco

A New Approach

After re-reading my two most recent posts, I've come to the conclusion that I'm focusing too much on the negative aspects of my life and need to pass on some of the positive aspects as well. I'll be including more of those in future posts as circumstances permit. I'll start off with that old standby....the weather. Its a beautiful spring day today, not a cloud in the sky, about 60 degrees, with an easterly wind. Most of the snow is gone, the ground is still brown, but I can see the green in my mind. No leaves on the trees yet, but I know they're on the way soon.
The animals are enjoying themselves outside, after many months locked in the barns. We've got a new kid goat (another pygmy) to increase the population to five. Still have eight roosters and six hens and our Thanksgiving turkey is still around, too. Just couldn't bring myself to butcher them last fall. Although, in retrospect, it wouldn't have been a bad idea. It's amazing how much those chickens and that turkey can crap! Is that going to be a job to clean up their section of the barn. Yuck! But, hey, it makes terrific fertilizer, assuming the goats don't eat everything I plant again. Yeah, life on the farm, it's kinda laid back....my ass. I'll be selling two of the male goats, and one of the females within the next month or so, and by February I should have a couple of new young ones, (hopefully females). We also have five dogs and three cats. Real softies for animals, I guess. Two rottweillers, one sheltie, one cockapoo, and a mixed breed. One solid black cat, one gray and white, and a solid gray one with six toes on each foot. Since we're outnumbered, I'm glad they let us live in their house with them. Oh yeah, we've also got four rabbits. It's a real zoo around here, but the unconditional love that animals display is a very good thing.

The reprieve

I went out Saturday night, the first time in months, and actually had a decent time. Got to sing a few songs, and relax, forgetting about the troubles for a short time. I felt my inhibitions relax for awhile and wasn't as self conscious as usual. (The rum and cokes loosened me up). The crowd seemed to enjoy the tunes, too, which made me feel pretty good for a change. I used to be a disc-jockey and karaoke jockey, but sold the business a couple of years ago...just couldn't handle it anymore. The stress of keeping a "happy face" on was incredible. I was in a deeply depressed state of mind during that period and the meds weren't helping much. I think I'm going to have to try and get out more often even though most "social situations" make me very uncomfortable. Saturday night was a pleasant departure from the "norm". I think I was hypo-manic, and would be happy if I could stay that way, without the drastic mood swings and paranoia that I'm living with daily. I hope that I'm not heading back into another manic state, though its preferable to the darkness of depression from my point of view. I just become extremely erratic, make poor decisions and drive my family nuts, but the thoughts of suicide and self-harm lessen sometimes. I've got to give my wife and children a lot of credit for putting up with a mentally ill husband and father. I know that I've made their lives miserable at times, but they still love me in spite of it. More often than not, I've been barely functioning, just existing for the most part, but hopefully that is coming to an end. I'm still having trouble distinguishing reality from fantasy at times, I'm not really sure if my memories are of things that happened or if I just think they happened. I know that I'm intelligent, that mental illness does not equate to retardation, yet I find myself questioning every thought I have, wondering if "normal" people think the way I do even once in awhile. Here I go, rambling on and on again. Guess it's time to call it quits for now. Later, Brisco

The awakening

I feel like a bear that's finally finished with his hibernation. It's been far too long since I've made a blog entry. I would like to thank those of you who make comments, except for the obvious one. The poor "gentleman" is obviously educationally and emotionally "challenged". In the time since I made the last entry I have been in a pretty depressed state of mind, yet I've managed to make it through to the point that I'm ready to communicate to some extent. Unfortunately, it's been another winter of the deaths of friends and aquaintences of the family. A couple of them have been the victims of tragic traffic accidents and have died at a very young age. These have affected my children and therefore affect my wife and I as well. Our prayers go out to their families and friends. I've been having nightmares that something has happened to one of my children and awaken in a cold sweat on several occassions. My children think I'm over protective of them and worry too much, but such is a parent's role. They are still young enough to think of themselves as indestructible, that it couldn't happen to them, but have experienced enough through the deaths and injuries of their aquaintences and friends that they are beginning to realize that they must be careful and aware of their safety and the positions they sometimes put themselves into. One of the young persons that passed away had been drinking and lost control of the vehicle, another was driving in excess of 100 miles per hour, hit a bump in the road and lost control. Both of my children have just begun driving and leave us anxious every time they are out on the road. I'm sure many of you experience the same feelings. I know that I'm not really revealing anything new, but am just blogging my feelings as I've done in the past. One thing that I realize now more than ever is how fleeting time is. It seems just a couple of weeks ago my children were in diapers, just learning to walk, to speak and express themselves. Now my son is graduating, my daughter's a junior, I've been outgrowing my hair, whats left is turning gray, and my pants are getting tighter every day. "Ain't life grand."

Whew!

That last journal entry should be good for those of you that are insomniacs....a real sleeper! I've been floating between reality and fantasy for a few days now, not sure why, but I can't seem to differentiate between the two. It's as though I'm dreaming, yet awake. No new meds or anything that can be linked to this feeling. My wife tells me, you're "in your own little world". I'm beginning to realize that she may be right. It feels as though that "little world" is getting smaller every day. If my state of mind were presented as a weather report, I'd be "mostly cloudy" and "partly lucid". Confusing, isn't it? I find myself to be barely aware of what is going on around me. Can't seem to concentrate on anything for very long without the thoughts disappearing as rapidly as they came. Just writing this is a real chore. "The lights are on but nobody's home" seems to fit my situation perfectly right now. Got to go for now.

Therapeutic venting

I'm finding these blog entries to be therapeutic in that they let me vent feelings and frustrations. I'm able to "talk" about things that are difficult otherwise. "Small talk" is not a personal forte, therefore, it is often difficult to converse with others in a social situation. I tend to be that "quiet guy", sitting alone, apparently oblivious to his surroundings. It is easier to join in conversation if the topic is one of interest, however, this happens less frequently because fewer topics qualify, particularly when in the depression phase of my disease. When I'm manic, the opposite is often true, though my opinions are often viewed as "bizarre", unusual, "out there" or even humorous by those with whom I'm conversing. I find it interesting that publishing my feelings in the blog isn't as difficult as talking to someone.

Winter Wonderland

Here it is, the middle of January, and we've already had over eleven feet of snow fall so far. It makes for a beautiful view, but sure is a lot of work. I'm very fortunate to have a good neighbor, Mike, that snowblows the driveway all winter, and my wife, son, and daughter's boyfriend that take on the shoveling that I'm unable to do (because of my spinal injuries), but that's another story altogether. It looks like we'll have a 300 inch snowfall or better this year, and that should raise the water table and local lake levels. It's been fairly warm until recently, so Lake Superior hasn't frozen over yet, and we get a lot of "lake effect" snow as a result. The snowmobile trails are in excellent condition and winter tourism is in full swing. A much needed boost for the local economy.
As far as the personal side of the journal goes, today is the first day since my last posting that I've had the ambition necessary for an entry. I know that I need to find something to occupy my time, but the depression affects my life and decision-making to such an extent that it isn't possible right now. I am hopeful, however, that this too shall pass. Its been about three weeks since my last manic episode, just before Christmas. I lost it for a few days there, but have swung back in the other direction now. Unfortunately, I put myself and my family in financial trouble during the manic period and it will take us several months to recover. I think that I'm going to have to relinquish control of my checkbook and the family finances completely to my wife, because I'm not able to control myself when I'm manic. I've got to remove the "means" of financial ruin to reach the "end" of financial stability. Those brief periods of "normal" life between the mania and depression are becoming more and more precious and rare. I accept responsibility for my actions during the phases of my illness, yet also realize that I don't have the ability to overcome those actions without drastic measures being taken. I'll have to be put on an "allowance" and denied access to the checking accounts to maintain any semblance of control. No credit cards, thank God! As disheveled as my life may appear, its better than it has been in the past. At least I'm not cycling as rapidly before. The medications I'm on now have slowed the cycling, but have not done much for the severity of the symptoms, though they have moderated slightly.

Still here

Have you ever had one of those "I don't want to wake up and get out of bed" days. Well, today was one for me. I was having one of those "lala land" episodes of lucid dreaming that I didn't want to awaken from. "It's hell to be happiest when your sleeping" kind of days. I find this to be happening more and more frequently all of the time. For those of you unfamiliar with the term "lucid dreaming", its when you are dreaming, and are consciously in control of almost everything that happens during that dream. They are so vivid and lifelike, that I often can't tell whether or not the events really happened. I'm not sure about many memories that I have, were they real experiences or lucid dreams? I'm sure many of you have experienced this at one time or another. It is a chronic condition in my case. No, the dreams don't always turn out the way one would want them to, but that must be one of the conditions of having this "gift". I use the term gift facetiously of course. (I must apologize for my spelling errors today, I just can't seem to concentrate.) The rest of the day was fairly uneventful, though I must admit my bacon cheeseburgers turned out better than expected.

My first daily entry...

Today was a good day, as those go. I was able to get up this morning, have coffee, a few cigarettes, wash dishes, do a load of laundry, and start this blog. I'm glad that I could get that much accomplished, considering the suicidal, irrational thoughts that started my day. I took my medications as prescribed and began to recover slowly throughout the day. Everything is such an effort. I'm so tired of people telling me to "snap out of it", "knock it off", "stop feeling sorry for yourself" and all of the other cliches that "normal" people give as simple solutions to my feelings. A hint to those of you that say such things, it's like telling someone with diabetes to just "get over it" and "move on". Having a mental illness does not equate to ignorance. In fact, many of those unlucky enough to suffer from bipolar illness have I.Q.'s that are well above average. All I ask is that we be treated with respect, dignity, and understanding, even though we are "different" and often appear to be "anti-social".

Welcome

Welcome to Bipolarinfo. This site is intended as an outlet for those that suffer from bipolar illness, their families, friends, and those curious to know more about the disease, its symptoms, treatments, and the thoughts and feelings of those of us who have it. Although this site is primarily for those suffering from bipolar illness, it is also a place to address schizophrenia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, social anxiety disorder and other mental illnesses in an open forum.